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1301Trampled marriage proposals, shredded firework casings and broken glass are pushed into the gutter by the time I wake up. The cold tip toes around my neck, trying to find a passage to my chest. I haven’t seen the sun in days and the first day of the New Year is just like those before it: foggy and full of possibilities.

At the harbor, I enjoy a provencial hamburger. The heat irritates the lining of my mouth. Somehow I bit into my cheek last night. Perhaps while I was being Heimliched in my sleep for snoring.

Casinos: where rich people go in Europe to get away from poor people
— The Dude

An incoherent sailor of seventy shouts what are surely harsh orders. The Commander orders a round of gluwein and we glide across the smooth waters of the Elbe into the shadows of mercantile giants. Dreams of firm ground reinforce my decision of not going to the Naval Academy; beneath the dark waters my ribs are crushed by giant tentacles, my leg pulled, grasped and I can feel my life rush past my ears as the world turns into a pinhead of blue, distant light and then nothing.

The Reperbahn
Within one street, the hypocrisy of women’s rights is captured: Herbertstrasse, also known as The Red Light District of Hamburg. Women are not allowed beyond the red partitions that cordons off this alley. Most feminists believe that legalizing prostitution was a civil rights victory in Germany. So, being the humanitarians we are, The Piz, The Science Officer and I set out to window shop.

1379Nothing quite prepares you for how blunt the business is. When they’re not lounging in lingerie in the window, the street-dwelling women wear recognizable puffy jackets and fanny packs. It is their informal uniform. Once eye contact is made, someone speaks out and the others flock. “Hey you red devil! Where are you going?” Small talk is quickly brushed aside. One moment, I’m waxing poetic about Spanish holidays, bullfights and sherry, and then, with no segue, she locks her eyes onto mine and unflinchingly says, “50 for a blow job. 150 for sex. Want to come with me?” And then a smile. They all pitch this to us at the same time, like a cavalcade of cannons firing into the bow of another ship.

We huddle up and run for the American Embassy: McDonalds; the sign stating “XX million served” is aptly missing. A man in a puffy, blue jacket walks past me. Laughter and snickering follows; he is not a prostitute, just unfortunately dressed.

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The eve of New Year’s proves a worthy opponent. Rain, sleet, and lost members of the science party: we are challenged and Hamburg tests our resolve to celebrate. But the free nature of alcohol and food elevates our spirits. Liberians, Germans and Australians and Ex-Pats strengthen our numbers as we dodge explosives and fireballs en route to the harbor. There I watch the largest privately run fireworks show of my life: a testament of truth witnessed by many screaming ambulances.

I wish people would stop trying to put things in my mouth
— The Skirt

After the 45 minute firework show, the entourage must refuel. We eat at the TGI Friday’s of Hamburg, and I play matchmaker for a man who will forever be known as “The Piz”. Afterwards, The Piz and his date lead me to a dance club that is swarming with people and German oldies that everyone, but me, know the words to. The crowd is a tide, and I am lost at sea, fighting to rejoin my party. Before I leave, I tell The Piz, “It’s time to shift strategies. Buy the other one a few drinks.” I could give no sager advice.

I squeeze through a mass of perfume and floors slick with champagne; I am re-born into the streets, confident that I have helped a friend conquer a woman and a nation.

I walk past a man sprawled out on the concrete. Empty bottles and stacks of pitty euros surround him. I let the sympathy take hold for a second and then I laugh and the smell of curry wurst distracts me. It is 4am and the party district is packed. Though short on sleep, I manage to push my way through the Ubahn, fake a conversation in German using the name “Wolfgang” and slip into bed before the rising sun turns me to dust.

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With a steady hand on the walkie-talkie, the iPod and a sandwich, I realize that I don’t have enough hands to drive. The Jim Beam flows as we play Truth or Dare at 160 kilometers per hour. Lights are turned onto the backs of shameless urinators and eyes cast at underage piano bar singers through a haze of smoke and mixed cocktails.

After a small amount of confusion and angry radio calls, we arrive. Some go out. Some to bed, uncertain of what they will find on the streets or where they will wake up. The only certainty is that 2005 will end with our throats scratched from smoke, shouting and sugar and that we will be in good company.

More details to come. Check the gallery often.

Popularity: 5% [?]

I found this artcle on About.com. I think we should have a contest to see who can use the most of these phrases with native German speakers while on our New Year’s extravaganza. The winner gets to take off my pants.

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ANOTHER UPDATE:
Damien is out, Chris is out. But my good friend from Stuttgart, Steffi, is in! So we are back at eight people!!! However, with Chris out, and Butters car being in questionable level of service, we need to have two backup cars/drivers. If you are willing, post a comment. I just spoke with Elliot and he will aid in driving, provided a car.

Weather Report

Cost Estimates (Per Person) for 8 people in 2 cars

Room & Board: 148.5 Euro
Gas: 25 USD
Parking: 20 Euro€
Total: ~225 USD

I also investigated the parking situation in Hamburg and it is 20 euro a day. Which equates to an additional 15 to 20 euro for all involved if we take two cars. A slight increase to 20 to 25 euro if we take a third car, disregarding gas costs as well. Regarding Gas: If it costs approximately $50 to fill up on gas, and we take two cars, and we fill up twice, then we spend about $25 on gas per person. If we take a third car (eight people), that increases to $38. Pros: more spacious. Cons: more cars to manage in the caravan, another person who has to be alert enough to drive. My suggestion is that we cram in to two cars, unless we have 10 people, then we should take a third car. No Taco Bell before the trip.
Here is Frommer’s review of the hotel to tide you over.

UPDATE: Kim is out. Also, I have received word via Lindsey that Elliot will be joining us. At nine people, automotive accomodations might be tight. I think we should consider an additional driver and make a decision at the departure point.

We can figure out roomates along the way. Since we are only supposed to have eight checking in, I suggest one hang back (Lisa). You can pose as a random skirt we picked up and brought back to the hotel.

I suggest earplugs for all; Butters hides a chain saw in his septum. That’s sep-tum.

Sarah is bringing iPods for the trip. Car owners: working radios with FM capability required. She’s also bringing a pair of hand radios. I’m bringing my laptop. Who is bringing their camera? I think I need to appoint an ADPE custodian.

I have reserved two rooms. Non-smoking rooms weren’t available. Sorry, but I have made a request. Right now, the following people are confirmed: Sarah, Lisa, Scooter, Damien, Chris, Jimmy, Rico, Butters, Elliot. I have been calling Kim like crazy. With 9 confirmed, the price comes to 135 euro each.

Chris & Butters has offered his automotive services. Departure time on Friday will be 4:30pm from the Ramstein BX parking lot.

The hotel is walking distance from downtown. Hopefully we’ll be able to go to The Reeperbahn.

The Hotel

Hamburg Marriott Hotel
•Hamburg, GERMANY
•Check-in date: December 30, 2005 (Friday)
•Check-out date: January 2, 2006 (Monday)
•Number of rooms: 2
•Guests per room: 4

Room Description
Executive Level Room
•ELEV – Executive Room (1 king or 2 doubles), new revive plush bedding*private lounge access, easy access to high speed Internet

Room 1
Rollaway Bed has been noted please inquire at check in.
2 Double Beds, Non-Smoking Room are not available.

Room 2
Rollaway Bed has been noted please inquire at check in.
2 Double Beds, Non-Smoking Room are not available.

Room Rate Charges Cost per night per room (EUR)
December 30, 2005 (Friday) – December 31, 2005 (Saturday)
(1 night(s)) 218.00
Regular Rate*Executive Room (1 king or 2 double beds), includes Executive Lounge access, 500 bonus Marriott Rewards points
December 31, 2005 (Saturday) – January 2, 2006 (Monday)
(2 night(s)) 188.00
Pure Magic*Executive Room (1 king or 2 double beds), includes Executive Lounge access, 500 bonus Marriott Rewards points Please note: unless specifically mentioned above, the charge per room does not include applicable taxes, fees or surcharges.

Rate Rules Additional Information
!!! Executive Lounge at the Hamburg Marriott Hotel !!! All Executive Rooms on the 5th floor include upgraded amenities,
non alcoholic beverages and beer from the minibar, access to the Executive Lounge and high speed Internet access in the room at no extra charge.

Our Executive Lounge offers free features like a continental breakfast, soft drinks, coffee & tea, an afternoon snack and
a cocktail hour including beer, wine and assorted spirits. high speed Internet access, different magazines and newspapers
will also be available.

!!! Executive Lounge at the Hamburg Marriott Hotel !!!
All Executive Rooms on the 5th floor include upgraded amenities, non alcoholic beverages and beer from the minibar and access to the Executive Lounge.

Our Executive Lounge offers free features like a continental breakfast, soft drinks, coffee & tea, an afternoon snack and
a cocktail hour including beer, wine and assorted spirits. high speed Internet access, different magazines and newspapers
will also be available.

Holding Your Reservation
We will need a credit card number to reserve your room.

Canceling Your Reservation
You may cancel your reservation for no charge until 6 PM hotel time on December 30, 2005. Please note that we will assess a fee of 676.80 EUR if you must cancel after this deadline. If you have made a prepayment, we will retain all or part of your prepayment. If not, we will charge your credit card.

This fee equals 90 percent of your room charge for your entire reservation.

Modifying Your Reservation
Please note that a change in the length or dates of your reservation may result in a rate change.

Tax Information
CURRENCY RATES QUOTED IN EUR – EURO AND INCLUDE TAXES
TAXES & SERVICES INCLUDED 16 PERCENT VAT

Directions

9 Bear RIGHT (East) onto A63 69.0
10 At Exit 2, take 2 [Autobahnkreuz Mainz-Süd] (RIGHT) onto A60 [E42] 16.7
11 Road name changes to E42 [30] 1.5
12 Merge onto A67 [E35] 4.9
13 Take Ramp [1] (RIGHT) onto A3 [E42] 7.7
14 Keep RIGHT onto Ramp [Anschlussstelle Frankfurt am Main-Flughafen] 0.9
15 Keep LEFT to stay on Ramp 0.4
16 Keep RIGHT to stay on Ramp 0.6
17 Keep STRAIGHT to stay on Ramp 0.5
18 Take Ramp (LEFT) onto A5 [E451] 126.6
19 Merge onto A7 [E40] 224.8
20 Keep RIGHT onto Ramp [Autobahnkreuz Hannover/Kirchhorst] 0.2
21 Keep LEFT to stay on Ramp 0.4
22 Keep LEFT to stay on Ramp 0.6
23 Take Ramp (LEFT) onto A7 [E45] 119.4
24 Keep LEFT onto Horster Dreieck 2.6
25 Merge onto A1 [E22] 13.0
26 Keep STRAIGHT onto A255 3.3
27 Road name changes to B4 [B75] 3.2
28 Keep RIGHT onto Amsinckstraße 0.2
29 Turn RIGHT (North) onto Klosterwall [Ring 1], then immediately bear LEFT (North) onto Ring 1 [Wallringtunnel] 1.0
30 Road name changes to Lombardsbrücke [Ring 1] 0.5
31 Keep LEFT onto Ring 1 0.1
32 Road name changes to Esplanade [Ring 1] 0.3
33 Road name changes to Ring 1 [Stephansplatz] 0.0
34 Turn LEFT (South) onto Stephansplatz 0.1
35 Road name changes to Dammtorstraße 0.2
36 Bear LEFT (South) onto Gänsemarkt 0.1
37 Road name changes to ABC-Straße 0.0
38 Bear LEFT (South) onto Hohe Bleichen to Hamburg Marriott Hotel 0.0

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I’m tired. Tracy is tired. Despite the great distances we’ve walked, today we will tour the third largest cathedral in the world: the Cathedral of Seville (and the 32 flights of stairs that compose the Giralda Tower).

The audio guide we bought for $4 USD quoted the architects. “We will build a church so large, they will call us mad men.” Well, they were wrong, because I called them crazy-stupid (about 37 times).

Spaniards have a fascination with virgins and they have a virgin for just about everything. Within the Cathedral we saw the Virgin of the Cushion and the Virgin of the Pomegranate. WTF?

Before we saw the Guinness Book record holder for Largest Gothic Structure in the World, we saw the Alcazar, the fortress/palace of the Spanish royalty. The structure is mathematic in design and intricately detailed, a common denominator between the byproduct of Muslim & Christian styles. Ancient paintings adorn the walls of every room, some seen by Christopher Columbus in the very room where the decision to sail to the New World was made. There are even tapestries there that predate the 13th century, which is before the invention of dust.

A common theme in Spanish artwork is the subjugation of the Moslems, who are either depicted as cowering servants to conquistadors or as dark, demonic makers of martyrs. I was not surprised to hear that the Cathedral of Seville was built on top of a mosque.

Spaniards are also quick to sell-out. It costs $18 USD to get into the Cathedral of Seville. Most other monuments costs about $7 USD. I highly suggest buying a student pass before visiting Spain if you can.

If only Jesus could see the profiteering inside Spain’s churches, I bet he’d flip out and chop everyone’s head off. Now that’s what I call real ultimate power.

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We check out of the hotel and find a ticket on our rental car. There is no sign indicating that this is a one hour parking zone and Tracy and I are pissed off. Our mounting appetites don’t help our patience with one another. After re-parking the car and having breakfast, we ask a meter-male about the ticket. He reads it and shows us that it is only a warning and that the $100 fine has not been assessed against us. Our day just got better and we drive away with a smile.

How cruel and quickly fate can turn on you. As we are leaving the city, a van on the interior lane of a roundabout merges into my driver-side door in an attempt to exit. I made no signal indicating that I was leaving the roundabout, so I’m totally caught off guard. The door is smashed up pretty badly. It will close but it won’t lock. The gentleman in the van was very clam and let me use his cell phone to call the rental agency. We fill out some paperwork describing the accident and in about 45 minutes are back on our way to Seville. (more…)

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After a final [i]desayuno[/i] of Spain’s famous hot chocolate & churros, we pack our bags and begin the mountainous descent to Arcos, the white city, and onto Jerez, known for its sherry and cartusian horses.

The traffic is good but our directions inside of the city are bad. Thanks Mapquest UK. We follow signs that lead us to the city center and park near a 4 star hotel. The concierge gives us a map and directs us towards our hotel, the Tierras de Jerez.

We park in what we will later discover is a one hour zone. Our first order of business is to buy Flamenco tickets and take the Tio Pepe tour, where mice climb ladders to sip sherry. Our flamenco tickets are $17 each and include tow drinks. The show is in a bar on the bad side of town. When we arrive, we are told in very rapid Spanish that there has been a traffic accident and one of the dancers has been hurt badly. The show is canceled. The guitarist/bar owner commiserates over his misfortunes with me and serves me some 30 year old Tio Pepe, my new favorite drink.

A cab takes us back to our hotel and we chalk up our day in Jerez as one of rest.

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The Spaniard’s response to terrorism may be all wrong, but they got siesta right. Most shops in Ronda are closed from 1400 to 1600 and reopen late (1800 to 2200). Lunch starts at 1400 and is at least two hours long. It is the biggest meal of a SPaniard’s day, as dinner is typically not until 2000.

The shoe stores in Ronda have dynamite deals. $35 will buy you an $80 pair of shoes in the US. $50 for $100 and $80 for $150. The women’s shoes are even better deals. We bought a $200 pair of leather boots for Tracy for only $100.

I am not looking forward to leaving Ronda tomorrow. My heart will be broken.

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Because most businesses in Spain are closed on Sundays, we choose to eat the very expensive hotel breakfast. We pay roughly $15 each for a buffet of deli meats, pasteries, toast, cheese and some cereals. The first surprise was the chorizo, a cured (not cooked) ham leg that takes some getting used to. The second surprise was the coffee. Spanish coffee is 50% black nasty tar mixed with 50% steaming hot milk. No amount of sugar will make it taste good.

So with a belly full of donut, we depart for Ronda, traveling through the costal tourist-trap that is Marbella to ascend into the mountains and onto the plains of Spain. The drive is dangerous and beautiful, like most things Spanish. Marbella is like a gigantic version of Myrtle Beach and Ronda is like a very humble Breckenridge, Colorado. Ronda´s charm stems from its premiere bullring and unique style of flamenco. Only a week ago, this village was crawling with tourists for the annual bullfights, but now the streets are rather vacant and I quickly find myself in love with this gem of a city. It is hard to take a bad picture when tourists wearing big hats aren´t walking through your shots. (more…)

Popularity: 3% [?]